run away with me

happiness, happy, life, love, negativity, reflections, sad, sadness, worry, writing

catharsis

the cause of escapism is simple: a person who’s seeking solace during times of distress. recently, i find myself constantly evading those demeaning thoughts regarding results day — i’ve been going out, helping out with house chores, watching movies, basically filling my day with tasks so that i won’t have time to myself. my results has always been one of my off-limit topics, as discussing or even simply thinking about it only serves to tear me down and make me feel inadequate. i don’t like (or rather, hate) feeling this way because i begin isolating myself from the ones who care about me the most and i end up inadvertently hurting them. to make matters worse, i’ve never been outstanding in any way, so anything that’s academic-related is rife with uncertainty. i really wish i was as smart as the people around me so that i’d worry a little less…

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The Impostor Syndrome

goal setting, letters to my unborn child, paperoligarch, school, success

The Paper Oligarch

Impostor syndrome – [also known as impostor phenomenon, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience] – is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.

“Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with this syndrome incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be. While early research focused on the prevalence among high-achieving women, impostor syndrome has been recognized to affect both men and women equally.”

Symptoms: Impostor experience may be accompanied by anxiety, stress, or depression and is associated with thoughts such as: “I must not fail“, “I feel like a fake“, “I just got…

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proving the cheery people wrong

cheery, happy, pessimism, pessimistic, realist, realistic, rejecting the cheery

I Conquer Suicide Everyday

One thing I’ve realized is that I have this weird need to prove the cheery people wrong. The ones that are always trying to end cap something with *well at least* and *let me send you cat pictures to cheer you up*.

I don’t really know for sure why. I don’t mean to be a debbie downer. I’m not actually. But with them, it’s almost as though I am on purpose. Like I’m a complete realist. I don’t tell them what’s going on with the rose -colored optimism and a lift up on the end. I tell them with the exact opposite. The grim, straight-laced reality version. I’m working but it’s still not enough. I have great feedback but don’t know how to make it into an income stream. I’ve got a ton of bills that need to be paid yesterday and no idea how they will be. Yes, the…

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Begin again

design

About the Art

I like to lick my wounds. Replay the story over and over again. I wake up thanking that it didn’t appear in my dreams. “What have I done wrong?” “How can I get a revenge?”, “Should I change the way I dress?”, “Did I boss them around too much?”, “Others experience this rejection too”. I watch my wounds, but not in a healthy way. I moan about it. I imagine myself telling others the story. I imagine their reactions. I think about the future now based not the recent events. I fear the possibility of moving out. Before I know, the tiny rain escalated into this giant hurricane, and it hurts just to think of being myself and work. I don’t want to wear the same coat that day I wore, because it reminds me of how unfair it is. I can’t open my door, get out to have breakfast…

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Feeling Like I’m Disappearing

Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Disability, Disappearing, Expectations, Family

Diary of an Emotional Wreck

I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way?

Lately, I feel as if I’m losing myself, as if I’ve lost myself. I don’t feel like a person anymore, but the services I perform for my family. I’m a cook, housekeeper, a dishwasher, etc.

My husband works in a factory, I’m disabled so I’m at home. Even though I’m disabled, it’s become my responsibility to take care of everything at home. I cook, wash dishes, do laundry, all the housework, most of the yard work, take care of the pets, balance the checkbook and take care of finances. I literally serve my husband his dinner in his recliner nightly. On top of all of that I manage my son’s social services and now my husband wants me to get a part time job to help bring money into the house. I don’t feel like a person anymore, I feel like…

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Let’s Talk Mental Health… and Let’s Also Listen

BellLetsTalk, mentalhealth, active listening, bipolar, bipolar disorder, listening, mental health, mental health conditions, mental illness, needs, radical acceptance, self care, thriving, wellness

Sound Mind

img_20190130_1501182584475289108759147.jpgIn the wake of Blue Monday on January 15th, Hi, How Are You? Day on the 22nd, and the #BellLetsTalk campaign on the 30th, I have been thinking about how to engage more deeply in our mental health conversation this month, and throughout the rest of the year.

I try to ask questions that open up the conversation further like “How are you?…Really?“How did _____ make you feel?” “Are you talking to someone regularly?” I also make a point of talking about and embracing the full spectrum of mental health care, from “safer” topics of everyday self-care, to acknowledging how immensely frightening suicidal thoughts or full-blown psychosis can feel. (I know, I’ve been there).

Talking with courage and embracing vulnerability by sharing openly is an important first step, but a way to engage more, is to actually listen to each other. When we talk about mental health…

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